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GRRRRRR

 "So, are you two going anywhere for Easter?"

Me: I might be. I'm not sure though. 

Him: I'm not. 

Really? Are any of us bloody well surprised? Anyone? No? That's because you NEVER FREAKIN' COME HOME WITH ME. 

"I'm having my last university class the weekend before so I want to go out!"

Him: Yeah. Well I'll be here so let us know and we'll see. 


Do you remember back, oh I don't know, a few weeks ago when you said you'd try to make it home with me. How people who hadn't even met you AFTER 2 1/2 YEARS were asking about you and wanted to see you? How disappointed i was that you weren't coming home with me before because you were "too busy." And now, surprise surprise, you're "too busy" again? 

How do you deal with someone who isn't a "do things for other people" type of person? When things like initiative and putting other people first are not the person's top personality traits? How do you deal with that without wanting to punch them in the face? 
 
GAH! So goddamn frustrating!  

 

Bleh!

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. If all the sadness and anger and frustration will one day lead to a more accepting and brighter future. 

People CAN change. If they are willing to. And if they can't change, they can adapt. IF they are willing to. 

There are times when I take a shower simply so he wont see me cry. There are times where I have to leave the room and sit somewhere quiet just to calm down and stop myself from being sick. There are times where we'll go over two hours without speaking because he is upset and wont talk to me. 

It's always so easy to judge when it's happening to someone else. When you look at another person's situation and you think "oh yeah. That's bullshit. He either needs to buck up or you need to leave him." But you always justify it when it's happening to you. 

Lately when I've been talking to other people about my situation I've been hearing a lot of the: "Oh yeah. that's bullshit." type comments. 

What do you do when 6 out of 7 days you are happy? You laugh and giggle and feel wonderful and loved. But when that 7th day comes. When that 7th day hits you feel miserable and sad and lonely and angry all day. You hate everything. You just want it ll to stop. 

Do you leave because of that 7th day? Do you stay because of the joys throughout the rest of the week? 

What to do? 

Problem

It's hard to look at a problem you have an emotional response to and find a logical and precise solution right away. You can argue that it's possible all you want, if you have YEARS of training and have programed your brain to think that way, but for the most part the average person doesn't work that way.

An emotional response is an emotional response. It's not calculated. It's not methodical. It's purely human in it's frivolity.

So why is it viewed in such a negative light? Why is the person who cries and shouts and acts out in their sadness / anger viewed harsher for their uncontrolled response? Because it is not socially acceptable? Because it can affect others? Because a public / elaborate response to a situation BOTHERS us?

I agree that when one is faced with a problem one should always have a level head and a clear direction before ACTING on a solution. But what does it matter if before that logical conclusion was achieved I broke two glasses and cried so loud the neighbours heard?

But no. That is not right. That is not a POSITIVE response. It is not the same as a guy dancing crazy around a crowded room because he just got a promotion, or a woman squealing at a restaurant because her boyfriend just proposed. THOSE are positive responses, and though might make some feel uncomfortable are not judged in the same category as a child having a tantrum in the cereal aisle.


I have control issues. Acknowledging you have a problem doesn't make it easier to deal with.

While trying to find a logical and calculated answer, my temporary solution to what I was trying to control was frowned upon. Not because what I was asking for was unreasonable, but because it was an emotional and socially improper request.

THIS, in my opinion, is not right. Your emotions should not be calculated, controlled or organized. They are EMOTIONS. They reflect your perspective, beliefs and who you are as a person. To frown upon a feeling is to shun a piece of that person. One's feelings should never be excluded simply because their response isn't considered "acceptable."

And that's all I have time to say about that.

Thoughts

 
I wish I knew why this effected me so much. Why I see it and get angry. Why I know he's downloading it and it makes me cry. Why why why.

I understand the need for it. No, that's actually a lie. I understand why people watch it. I understand it's been around longer than I've been alive and will continue after I'm dead. I understand the appeal behind a woman that never says no, is willing to do whatever whenever.

That doesn't mean I have to understand the need for it. 

I'm just so tired of this feeling. 

I thought I was doing so well. I wasn't feeling panicked. I didn't feel sad.  I could breathe normally. 

In one night. In one afternoon. In fifteen minutes, an entire weeks worth of trying SO hard to control it all was for nothing.... Nothing. Because I am right back to where I was before. The constant reciting of the mantra. The breathing exercises. The looking at from a different perspective and very carefully thinking over my thoughts and feelings. Every technique I tried and hoped would work... for nothing. 

The disappointment is horrible.    

And I don't even think it's that big of a deal.... right? That's what I'm told anyway. It's not that big of a deal. It's just what guys do. It's not that big of deal.  He still loves you. It's not that big of deal. It's not like he's choosing it over you (for the most part)...... it's not that big of a deal...... it's not really.... really. 

I don't know. Maybe I need therapy. Or some sort of paranoia repressors. But telling myself this doesn't matter and then freaking out every time I see it isn't working. Or thinking that every time he's in a spot with internet connection and I'm not there he's downloading episodes isn't working either. It's going to be a long life together. Especially since he downloads on average 2 videos every third day. 

On second thought. It wont be a long life together. Because I wont be able to just sit and pretend I'm ok with it forever. 

I think that out of everything we've dealt with together, this could be the one thing that eventually ends our relationship. 

Relieved

 
It's amazing how relieved you can feel after you've talked out your problems. He mentioned that he had a job interview on Tues for the camp. I asked, "so, if he offers you the job will you take it?"

"Yes. Unless you are very opposed to my taking it" *looks at expressionless face* "Are you opposed to me taking it?"

And I told him pretty much everything in my last entry. How much money it will cost and how I wasn't comfortable taking all the financial responsibilities and the like. He assured me he had money to help with the monthly rent payments and assured me he would be able to find a job once the two months are up. 

It made me feel so much better having at least said my fears and hear him acknowledge them.

Well.. One problem down. :)

 

Huh


I had a dream last night. In the dream I was sitting in the living room of my parents house. He was getting ready to go to a costume party at one of his friends house. I asked him why I couldn't go and he said because I would find it boring. I asked him again later and he said because I wouldn't know anyone there. I asked him again before the dream changed and in an angry voice he replied, "because I'll have more fun without you." 

Thanks a lot brain.

Still having a lot of problems. Been trying to fight back though.  Lowered my caffeine intake (which is REALLY hard!) , tiring to do at least one active thing a day, practice my deep breathing to clam my nerves. Some of it is helping. It's hard to fight feelings though.

Have you ever had that one hardcore rude friend / family member? That one where if you showed them a pretty picture that you were so proud of they'd look at it and say, "It'd look better if you hadn't used so much blue." Or you get your first date with this guy you like and they'd say, "He only agreed because he wants to get in your pants." You know, one of those friends? All you want to do is punch them in the face. Well, it's hard to do when that face is a little voice in your head that won't go away. And you can disagree and tell yourself you don't really think that way or what they said is not true but it's too late. The doubt has already been planted. 

A lot of issues have been brought up recently about him going away to camp. Well, that's a lie. I am the only one having issues with it.

I tell my friends about it and they reply with "Yeah. That sucks for you. But you can spend more time with me while he's gone!."  I tell his family about my issues and they reply with, "well, it wont be very good for you. But it will be a great experience for him." I try to talk to him about it and he responds with, "I have to do what's best for me. It won't be very pleasant for you, but it'll only be two months right?"

And then I say how I don't want him to go and everyone scoffs and tells me to stop thinking about only myself. 

Apparently everyone is allowed to think selfishly but me. 

If he were to go, he'd be leaving the end of June until the end of Aug. This would mean that when he graduates he will not be working from the end of April to the end of June. And it also means that he wont be working when he gets back at the end of Aug. If we were to move out (which I really really really really want to do) we won't be able to leave until..... October? Unless I get a ridiculously good paying job that pays over 25 bucks an hour I will not be able to support him and myself while we live in town. This means I am going to have to spend a whole summer here again, AND two months of that summer by myself so he can go to camp and have his great experience. BUT, I am not thinking selfishly.

If we were to get an apartment like I WANT TO, he says it would probably be for June. This would mean that I would have to have saved a MINIMUM  $1700 for first and last months rent. And that's JUST me saving it because he is not working.  And then I will have to have saved another MINIMUM $1700 for July's rent and possibly Sept's. If not Sept, then October (since he will be unemployed for however long). For him to go to camp, ALMOST ALL the financial responsibilities will be placed on MY shoulders for up to 5 MONTHS. BUT, I am not thinking selfishly. 

For him to go to this summer camp and for to me to get what I want, I am going to have to pay a minimum $3400 IN RENT ALONE.  That is not covering things like groceries and internet. 


But. Then again. This is all just my selfish side talking. 

Hmmmm

 
I think that some of my anxiety comes from the idea that everyone around me is dong something they find fun and exciting and I am not. It was suggested that is was a jealousy thing. I don't think it's as simple as that. 

It's more like.... watching someone do something you want to do yourself but can't. You're still happy that they get to do what they enjoy, but... you can't help that bitter feeling. 

My anxiety has been getting worse. I think it might be from my recent job fiasco. My boss says that since I can't work nights (which will be changing in 7 weeks) and because I can't work weekends (which is a total lie) I am going to have my keys taken away and have my hours dropped. This means I am working 14 hours a week, and that will probably go down as soon as the new guy they hired gets trained. If i can't find a full time job by the second week of March I am going to have to move back to Orillia. Yeah. I can see my anxiety acting up. Something to do with my whole style of life disappearing. 

Stefan has pretty much been offered a job as a camp counselor from June 22 to Aug 22. Two months exactly he'll be gone. Yeah. About that.

My body has started to freak out on me since all this started. I vomit about once a day, I've been bleeding off and on for about 3 weeks now, have had constant nausea and abdominal pain. I thought about going to a doctor, but they don't know what the heck they're talking about. Last time I was like this they told me I had IBS and asked me to stay away from meat and diary. Thanks a lot Docs. Hopefully no internal organs are collapsing or whatever. 

I was at a friends house today and I casually made the comment about how I think I have Paranoid Personality Disorder. We both agreed it was a pretty good possibility. The anxiety, the mistrust without evidence,  the thoughts and feelings I get. It all matches. I told her about how it felt sometimes. The numbness through your body, the tightening in the center of your chest, the pain in your stomach. And then the tightness spreads all through your chest. Across your heart, into your lungs. It feels like you can't breath. And the panic. The wild urge to run or cry or scream and the crushing sensation you get when you realize it's not going away. You can't make it stop. And suddenly everyone is against you. Your thoughts fill with hate and sadness and pity. And all the while your chest burns and burns. 

It is the longest 30 seconds of your life. 

I don't know what to do. I need order. I need to know everything about everything. No surprises. No room for error. It helps keep the anxiety at bay. It keeps the hateful thoughts and twisted assumptions under control. I have no need to speculate if i understand and know what's going on..... But this.... This I have no control over. This can't be explained or fixed or predetermined. 

I'm scared.

You know what?

 

I don't give a flying fuck if something is considered socially acceptable, the norm or just something everyone does, if I'm not fucking happy about something, I'm not FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING. 

DO NOT sit there and tell me that I'm just being silly.

DO NOT tell me that I'll just have to learn to deal with it. 

AND DO NOT expect me to be OK with it just because the whole world, and you, understands it. 

I'm not a goddamn coin. I'm not some bloody android that can switch her feelings about something because everybody does it. Screw everybody in their idiotic faces.  

MAYBE you should try to understand MY point of view. MAYBE you shouldn't just EXPECT me to deal with it since it's "not such a big deal." MAYBE you should try to understand that it's not THAT you do it that bothers me, it's WHY you do it. MAYBE instead of assuming I'm being paranoid and unreasonable you should once, just ONCE ask me WHY I have a problem with it. 

Don't expect me to understand your point of you if you don't even bother to try to understand mine. 

Screw off world. Leave your assimilation and your standard expectations to all your other fucking sheep. If I'm going to be pissed, well then YOU can goddamn DEAL WITH IT.  

Bleh

 
It's not that I don't like what your doing. It's that I don't like what your doing and I have no way to make you understand why. 

And the fact that if I asked you why you had to do it you wouldn't answer me. 

So I guess I'll just have to get used to this miserable feeling I get when I realize you've gone down that road again. 

Bleh

 

Oh no. Pray do go on. I love hearing you tell me stories about how fun my boyfriend was when he was dating his ex girlfriend. No really, I am quite enjoying listening to what an awesome New Years you had and how great it would have been if he was there, like he used to be with his ex girlfriend. Yes, tell me more stories about all the exciting stuff they did together that he doesn't do anymore. Oh yes yes, it is a shame he is not as crazy as he was when he was with her. Yes it is sad he is not around, like he used to be with her. Yes he must have just "mellowed.... or something. "

Oh by the way.

*punches guy in face*  


That's better. 

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