Decided to watch Paranormal Activity by myself yesterday. Good movie, but man oh man am I on edge now! Every noise scares me a little. I find myself listening for anomalies in the usual pattern of sound. Looking for shadows and movements. It doesn’t help that I am home alone and am going to be going to bed soon by myself :S Ugh.
This is all brought about by my most recent experience. I went for a walk through the trails by the school the other day. It was nice to be in a forest, but the stillness of it unnerved me. I’m used to walking through the woods and receiving images, feeling the energy flow, taking part in the cycle. Now everything is going to sleep or dying. There was no flow, no emotions, just stillness. It was nice to feel the calm, the void of outside influences but at the same time it made me nervous. Trying to draw from that feeling of calm, I decided to try a meditative exercise while I was home alone. I lit 3 candles, 2 orange ones a red one for love and energy. I wasn’t two minutes into the exercise when the 2 orange candles started to flicker. Trying to ignore it, I continued with the exercise, but the flickering kept distracting me. Figuring it was a draft I tried surrounding the candles with objects to stop it. The 2 candles continue to flicker. I then moved the one orange and replaced it with the red. The red continued to stand still while the orange one flickered. I said “that’s weird… why isn’t the red one flickering?” To which the red one began to flicker in time with the other two. Feeling extremely creeped out I said “I’m sorry, but I am too creeped out to communicate right now. I’m going to have to close the circle” and began to put back the defences. I might try again later in the week, but for right now I am putting a hold on meditation exercises when no one is in the house :S
It is more so the movie I watched that is scaring me, not the actual encounter itself. I am used to things like this happening. I’ll tell anyone who will listen about the odd things I’ve experienced throughout my life. The earliest recollection I have of my weird senses is getting up in the middle of the night to stare down the hallway. My mom would ask me why I sitting in the hallway and I would say I was watching the old woman pace. I would wake up and see black outlines of people by my bed, have really bizarre dreams, and have thoughts pop into my head and a few minutes later it would happen. I’ve walked into graveyards, spoken a name and then found the person’s tombstone. I’ve been physically touched, spoken to, and haunted by spirits almost all my life. It took a long time, but I managed to build up mental defences to stop the voices and the touching from happening. Unfortunately, out of fear, I worked them up to a point where almost nothing comes through anymore unless I take down the barriers one by one. In some ways, I need it that way. Not only are you susceptible to spiritual influences when open, but you can be influenced by a person’s energy as well.
It always makes me smile when a friend reaches for my hand and asks, “what does my aura look like?” Or “what images / impulses do you get from me?” Chances are if we’ve been around each other for awhile, I’ve already built up my defences to your energy. No one wants to have his or her personal feelings, memories or impulses shown to someone else.
Maybe that will be my goal in the New Year. Get a better handle on my energy reading so I don’t have to work as hard to block it out or bring it back. Make it more second nature so it doesn’t take so much out of me every time.
All right, Holly’s home so I guess I can go to bed now. :D
Cheers!
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:Spinal Tap - Stonehenge
Him: Depends on what it is.
Me: Could you come into the bathroom and take a spider outside for me?
Him: *pause* Yea all right.
Bahahaha! One of the main benefits to having a guy in the house! :D Loves it!
- Mood:
giggly
How do you draw the line between harmless flirting and going too far? What is the appropriate amount of attention one can give another person without overstepping a boundary? And when one is taken, how do you interact like you used to with those of the opposite sex without offending your current partner? When you are a very open and physical creature such as I, it is hard to look at those questions and know right away when to say, “this is too much.”
An ex…. I don’t want to say plaything because that is too harsh, but something along those lines came to visit. He asked if he could spend a few nights with my roomie and I and I agreed without even contemplating the consequences. Once I agreed, I was more worried about what my boyfriend would think than how I actually felt about him staying at my house, but when everything was cleared and I knew it wasn’t going to be a problem I started mulling over how I felt.
The first few days were a little nerve wracking. How do I act? What do I say? And most importantly, how much of my old self am I allowed to show before I cross that supposed “line?” It’s hard to be around old lovers, friends, co-workers etc without some part of you slipping back into the personality you portrayed when you were last together. And to stop your thoughts from wondering to a time when you were both more than content in each other’s company.
There was a time I would have been so excited at the prospect of him staying at my house. I would have been giddy with ideas about what the two of us could and would do. It amazes even me that those feelings are gone.
We were watching TV this afternoon from his laptop. I stretched out and laid my head on a pillow while he plunked one on my legs and stretched out along beside me. The past me would have become nervous, excited and suggestive. She would have tried rubbing up against him to see what he would have done and let things progress as they may.
But today as we talked about random stuff and he rested on my hip it felt more like settling into an old friendship. We made sex jokes, talked about the good old days, and were just comfortable with each other. I have never felt more at peace than I did realising it doesn’t have to be awkward. We each know where the other stands, we both know what we can never be to the other.
I guess I’m just going to have to move on and actually enjoy his company :P :D
- Mood:
content
Had a pretty awesome weekend! :D Friday went out to lunch with Katie and Colleen, and got to hang out with Jen and Mal. Haven't seen any of them in FOREVER! Had an awesome hot chocolate, vented about some issues and wrapped presents for 3 hours. Jen even walked me home! Got to talk about more intimate stuff with her, which was awesome to the max, and just slip back into that old comfort level.
Saturday I worked until 6 and then ran over to Jackie and Sarah's for a girlie night! Had some dinner, ate a lot of cake and watched girlie movies. It was so nice to get together and hang out on a more one on one basis. And nothing beats girl talk which revolves around sex! Learned some really interesting things about the two of them :D
Sunday my parents came to visit. I was really glad they came up. I can usually go about a month before I start to really miss them and want to see them again. They took me out to brunch and then grocery shopping. We even got to do some Christmas shopping! I'm hopefully going down for a Christmas party thing on the 11 and spending the weekend, so I'll get to spend more time with them since I'll only be going home for 3 days during the Xmas break :( Makes me sad.
It always makes me laugh when I hear men talk about the threesome fantasy. Yeah, the idea of doing it with two people is hot BUT it is amazing how many stipulations there are to the actual act. It has to be a girl / boy, has to be someone we do / don't know, has to be single / dating etc. I'm not going to lie, I was asked to be part of a threesome recently and the only stipulation was that if the girlfriend did it with my man and I I would have to do it with her man and her. My boy was ok with it until I said "her and her man." It makes me smile that he doesn't want to share (which I don't blame him for, I don't share either) and that he was ok with it until he heard he would be excluded from the second part. My friend suggested a foursome or just letting the two of us go at it until our men want to join in. The varying degrees of comfort between different couples is really interesting. With any other person I would feel possessive, but for some reason I'm ok with this suggestion. Hmmm.... Either that or I need to make more random hot single acquaintances here in North Bay :D
Getting more hours at work! This week alone I'm working up to 33 hours! :O It's almost like a real full time job! :) Which is really good since I'll be doing a lot of traveling next month and wanting to buy gifts for people. And you know, maybe buy a bus pass on my own next month :P The only down side is that with the Xmas season coming up people are asking more questions, and a lot of them I have never been asked before, so I look like a complete tool for sitting there and going "ugh.... what?" Hopefully I will be able to rectify that soon!
Well, that's it for me for now. Join us next week, same bat time same bat channel for more news from yours truly!
- Mood:
horny - Music:Copperhead Road - Steve Earle
I had one thing to do. One thing that's been bugging me for SO long and all I had to do was use my big mouth and say it.
I had it all planned out. Go over, bring up the topic, see what he said. And then FINALLY I could stop second guessing myself and figure out where I stood. Finally figure out how I feel about everything.
What do I get instead? Nothing remotely close to that! Some beat up time, a few TV episodes, a quick round for him and then shipped out. I couldn't even bring myself to say one word about it.
I am so frustrated with myself right now.
Just....just... just... Gah!
- Mood:
aggravated
Remember when I was talking way back when about the couple downstairs? How I thought the guy was a gangster for listening to gangster music and being all scary? And how they were fighting a lot but didn't know what it was about?
Well, a few weeks ago it suddenly stopped and then guy stopped coming around the house. We figured it was because the guy left or the girl kicked him out or something. Apparently, it had nothing to do with that.
There was this one Wed. night I can remember that they were up until 4 am trying to fix these pipes. I was super pissed because I had to work at 9 am and my room was right above their bathroom. I get up with maybe 3 hours sleep, go to work and continue on with my life as normal.
According to our landlord, he came to fix the pipes that night / morning and left without his tools. He called and said he was going to be by later that day to pick them up. Upon arrival to the basement apartment, no one answered the door to let him in. The landlord let himself in (which he should not have done in my opinion) to find the guy we will refer to as Gangster still in the house. Gangster gets in a huge screaming match with him and tries to kick him out of the house. Landlord leaves, realizes his tools are still inside (which he needs for his schooling) and goes to knock on the door again. Saying he just wants his tools and then he'll leave, Gangster lets him in.
Here is where it gets scary. Landlord is in the bathroom rooting around for his tools when suddenly he is doused with this liquid. It is a can of gasoline. Landlord tries to leave and Gangster smashes the canteen into his face.
He then tries to set Landlord on fire.
Landlord luckily gets away safely. I don't remember how many hours / days later, but there is a cop car in the driveway of our house. Gangster is going to jail, which is why he suddenly disappeared.
He not only tried to kill our Landlord, but he has a record and is a convicted murderer.....
For roughly 3 months, holly and I were living above a convicted murderer.....
The lady living in the basement tried to take the Landlord to court for harassment, but that didn't fly. She is now being evicted and we'll be getting new basement neighbours in January.
Yeah... funny story....
- Mood:
uncomfortable
Been almost a full week since I became sick and I am finally getting better! I can breathe through my nose again and my throat in only a little sore. I can also tell I’m getting better because my cough has changed from one of those dry coughs to a lovely flemy mixture :P Hopefully I’ll only have another day or so of this and I’ll be fully healed! :D
I can always tell when I’m about to start my monthly by my moods. Normally I am a somewhere between bored, happy and tired. When I’m about to start my monthly I feel like I either want to cry, sleep or punch someone in the face…. Sometimes all three in various orders.
I think I have an over active sex drive. *nods* Maybe bigger than my boyfriends. There are times where we’ll finish and I’ll be good for another day or two, but there are also times where half an hour later I could go again, and again and… well, short of draining my man dry, I usually keep those thoughts and impulses to myself. I think this drive comes from my desire to be touched. I have been compared to cat looking for attention when it comes to my desire to be touched. It doesn’t even have to be on any sexual body parts, just some strokes down the back or pets here and there is enough to get me going. There are times where I’ll be kissed on my back and get tingles! Maybe that is also my problem. I am far too easily aroused.
Oh, just speaking of this. I was having a text conversation with a friend of mine and she asked me when the last time I was seduced was. Not like, candles and slow music and dinner with some dud in a tux, but just brought into a lazy and slow sexual excitement. I didn’t know how to answer that. I have been what I would classify as “turned on” or “horny” or “impatient” but I do not if I’ve been seduced. Hmmmm…..
I totally chickened out this weekend when I went to ask him about the future and junk. All the stuff I’ve been talking about in here the past week has been running through my mind and I really want to just sit down and talk it out. BUT I am HORRIBLE with confrontations, and we were both sick and tired and hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, so I chickened out :( There’s got to be the right time and place for it… and I guess that just wasn’t the time. Though it does mean that I am probably going to have to wait another week before I can ask the questions I want. :( I know he loves me and would do anything for me, but I still need to ask the questions. Le sigh.
….Yup… still definetely somewhere between wanting to sleep and punch someone in the face :P
- Mood: grumpy
It super sucks when you are feeling all gross and you have to take care of yourself :( When you are home you can veg in front of the tv and have ginger ale and soup and get better. When you are home alone it isn't the same thing :(
Boo urns. Hopefully I'll get better soon so I don't have to worry about myself anymore. :P
- Mood: groggy
Only two more months until Xmas! :D I'm trying to figure out budgeting and junk to buy gifts but it isn’t working out too well. My secret Santa this year is A Ron, which is pretty easy so I’m not too worried about him. Mom and Dad keep saying not to buy gifts for them or for Nana or Kim or any of them. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. I don’t like people buying me gifts when I can’t give them something in return. And I know for a fact if I told them not to get me anything they would smile and say “all right” and then I’d show up and see a present for me from them under the tree. I figure if I get my close family a little something I can do it all for under $100. I’m hoping I can afford a little more, but I am doubtful.
Going to make an appt. with the health clinic soon. Almost out of birth control :S Have this one pack I am on and then nothing. Part of me isn’t looking forward to going to the clinic because they are going to want to give me a pap and a physical (which I am NOT comfortable with) and then I am going to have to worry about buying it. Another 15 – 20 dollar expense every month. On the plus side, I like sex, so I won’t have to worry about getting pregnant, on the downside, I will have to spend the extra money :( Sad day.
Halloween went fabulously! Our Tinkerbell and Peter pan costumes were great! A lot of people thought he was Robin hood, but once they saw us together it seemed to click a little easier. The first party was really fun, got to sing some Beatles rock band and do a duet with my man! The second party was ok. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t enjoy it all that much, but that is mostly because I was cold, didn’t know anybody and most of the party would leave every hour or so to go smoke up. If they want to do it that’s their business, but it kind of sucks when you are in the living room by yourself because you don’t want to join them upstairs. BUT Stefan got to see and hang out with a bunch of people he hasn’t seen in a while, which was the whole point of going. I know that if we broke up I would miss seeing Blake and Sarah and Jackie so I didn’t want to say anything about being bored out of my mind. Aren’t I an awesome girlfriend :P Nothing says love like sitting awkwardly in a room full of your boyfriends’ ex – girlfriends friends while you freeze so he can reconnect with some buddies of his for a few hours :) Don’t get me wrong, they were all very nice people, but I’m just some random girl to them, so they had no issues with letting me sit by myself while they did other things. After that we went to one last party, wound down with a board game and then went home. It was definitely the most fun I’ve had dressing up, but as far as partying goes, I would give it an “ok” rating.
I think there is a time in every relationship where you look at the other person and ask yourself the really serious questions. I have no idea if I’m thinking these questions too late / early, but they are popping up anyway. Where are we going? Are we going to try and make a future with each other? What are our parenting styles? What are our financial styles? Do they mesh? What are we going to be to each other in a year? What are our career paths? THAT is probably the most important question right now. Every time someone asks him what he is going to do in his future, he replies “Teaching in Sundridge at my old high school.” Sundridge is a village of roughly 1000 people located about half an hour – 45 outside of north bay. Not too many government jobs or environmental companies there. What am I going to do? Travel the 45 min every day to work in north bay? Spend the 6000 some odd dollars on more schooling this year to better myself and end up becoming a stay at home mom or working in a Quicky Mart? I’ve had that question pop up in my head a lot lately. I want to get a better job, I REALLY want to look at my degree, remembering how hard I worked for it and actually have something to show for it. Have something I could finally be proud of. I can’t do that without upgrading my education, but there is no point in doing that if it isn’t going to matter. Do I plan on having kids with him? Yes. Would I mind raising our children? No. But could that be my whole life? Have nothing to look forward to but a few kids and a job like the one I currently have? I would rather shoot myself.
I am eventually going to have to ask him questions like this. If I am going to be starting school and organising my life, I will need to know where he stands in it. Mostly I am just putting it off because I am afraid of what he will say. He is very determined and very focused. When he has a course of action, he very rarely deviates from it. If he looked at me and said, “I am going to Sundridge after I graduate. Are you coming with me or not?” Could I make the decision knowing what it will entail? Could I say “yes” and mean it? And if I say “no, I can’t go with you” then is the relationship over? Could I stay with him knowing he will be leaving?
Growing up sucks :P
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Great big sea - company of fools
BLESSED SAMHAIN EVERYONE! HOPE IT'S SPOOKTACULAR! :D
- Mood:
scared
I have no clue which one of them brought up the idea first or how long they're been thinking this, but there it is.
When it rains it pours as they say, and lately I have been up to my neck in life altering decisions.
What am I going to do...
Cons:
- I would have to terminate my lease early and find a roommate for Holly for the 6 months she'd be living there (which I don't want to do because it's not fair to her)
- have to find a place to put all my stuff (bed, desk, couch etc) either once the lease is up in June and holly leaves or before hand. That would either be a huge inconvenience to my parents (who would have to come up and move it) or to friends here (who I would ask to help move it to a storage place).
- would have to get rid of a few of my freedoms and give up my room sancturary
- even though I would be paying to live there, it would never be my home. I would still feel in some ways like a guest, which I don't want.
- could I live in his room? Share the space? I am so used to living on my own and doing my own thing. Your bedroom is your own personal space where you can go and relax, meditate, do everything in. could I share that and not feel cheated?
- most importantly: what happens if there is a falling out between Stefan and I? I don't see that happening, but who honestly sees that happening while everything is going well? Anything could happen, and I don't want to cause anyone problems (including his family) if I were to accept and it didn't work out.
- It would only cost around 200 dollars a month. That would give me an extra 500 some odd dollars to pay for schooling, OSAP, a car, trips home, ANYTHING.
- I could stop worrying about groceries. Not have to live off of rice or pasta. Not have to feel sick and tired from lack of food. Not have to budget two weeks of living off of 20 dollars. I could EAT. I never thought I would get so excited over that prospect, but by golly, I could eat! I've had a few people ask me if I have lost weight. I just smile and shake my head. No one wants to hear how you've lost 10 bounds from lack of food. The prospect of groceries, sadly, is a big deal to me.
- I could get away from my neighbours and their constant fighting. Their screaming until 3am. The slamming doors and smoking (which only makes my room stink like smoke)
- I am spending 4 out of the 7 nights a week at his house anyway. I usually go over Thurs and stay until Monday. I am only at my house 12 - 15 nights out of the whole 30 days in a month, and i am spending almost 530 dollars for my house.
- His house is closer to my work. Granted I would have more money for a bus pass, but I would not need to get one (just pay for a trip as I go) if I lived there.
- I could stop taking money from my parents. I have kept track of every bit of money they have given me since I started living where I am in July to now, and it averages up to about 100 dollars a month. One month alone they gave me almost 300 to cover rent, food, phone bills etc. This has got to stop. It's becoming worse than embarrassing.
- I could stop (for at least a time) worrying about whether or not I can afford to pay bills. Credit card, phone, cable, internet, OSAP. They all add up, and on my 400 some odd dollar pay check every two weeks, it would get rid of A LOT of my bill paying stress.
- Mood:
confused
No.
No. You. Didn't.
It is as simple as that.
No one deserves to be treated badly. No one. You may have a right to be angry, but you do NOT have a right to be cruel. People are judged on their actions, not on the incidents leading up to their actions. It could have and should have been dealt with differently. That is what makes us better people, our ability to go beyond our anger and keep control. HE should have known that.
I think the reason I am so upset is because i see a lot of parallels between her and I. There was a long, long time I thought I deserved to be treated the way I was. That because I didn't do this or because I looked like that I deserved to be abused by them. It's taken me many years to realize that no matter what I would have done and no matter what i did do they would have come for me anyway. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I hope she can realize that too.
There have been a few times over the years I've looked at the scar on my wrist and wondered what would have happened if i had gone through with it. Would i be dead? Would I have lived? Would i be a different person today? As twisted or morbid as it sounds, the moment i saw the blood on my hands and decided it wasn't worth it was one of the proudest moments of my life. It is easy to quit if you are selfish and care nothing for those it will affect. I decided to pull through and deal with it rather than cause anyone else undeserved pain. That I would rather learn to forgive and accept than simply blame others and give up. That is what makes me a better person than them. That is what makes me a better person period.
Everyone has been through their own personal hell. Everyone has a different story of pain and cruelty and abuse. Let me say right now that you did not deserve it. No matter how low you acted or how much you might have pushed it was their decision to act that way. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't easy to accept it had nothing to do with you.
It is hard to look back on your former self and forgive how he / she reacted to the situation. I should have done this, I could have done that, why didn't I do this. The long and short of it is you can't blame your past self for not knowing / thinking the way you do know. You have changed, you have grown, you have adapted. Either by choice or by necessity. Focus on continuing to grown and change for the better rather than rejecting what you have done in the past, for all you are doing is discarding a piece of yourself. By doing that you can never be whole.
And remember this. I love you. I may not know your past, I may not be in your present and I might disappear in your future, but that does not matter. What matters is love. Self love, family love, friendship love. Realize you deserve it. Realize how much better your life would be if you accepted it. Every second you are angry is a second they win for what they did to you. Forgive, accept, and love.
Everything else is unimportant.
Here are some personal quotes that have helped me. Maybe you will find what you are looking for in them:
"I haven't seen you in a while, yet I often imagine all your expressions. I haven't spoken to you recently, but many times I hear your thoughts. Good friends must not always be together. It is the feeling of oneness when distant that proves a lasting."
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system."
- Mood: calm
There are many times I've wanted smack someone or cause social pain or do small things such as that, but it has never been as strong as this.
All I can think of right now is hunting him down and watching him suffer.
I am so ticked off right now I could scream.
None of this anger is directed at you my lovely. None of it. I will admit, I am a little upset at your decision to stay after. You put someone I care deeply for in danger. But I could NEVER and WILL never be this mad at you.
And as for you Mr. Ex. I want you to know that Karma will not let this incident go unpunished. You have been cruel, you have been manipulative and you have been brutal. You will pay for the tears you have caused in your own blood, and I treasure the day Fate will call to collect. When those you care about rise up to become better people and you stay as the worthless coward you are, they will look upon you and be embarrassed to have known you. I would feel bad for you and your insignificant future, expect I reserve those feelings for people. You are no longer considered a person to me.
If you died tomorrow I would piss on your grave.
Fuck. I am never going to get to sleep now.
- Mood: enraged
- Weekend was pretty good! Saturday night Stefan's best friend came to visit. :) My man was seriously on cloud nine the whole time! Anything Chris (the best friend) said to him made him laugh hysterically. It was really great to see him again. I have no idea if the visit had anything to do with the message I sent him a few weeks ago about coming to visit or if he just wanted to come up, but I was super glad he came regardless. So, after he and his wife Sandra arrived and we had some pre -game drinks, we went bowling!! :D That was so much fun! Bowling is one of my useless talents I think. I even won one of the games! :D Once we finished our two games and Chris and his wife left (she was tired and wanted to leave by the beginning of the second game *rolls eyes*) the crew headed to the Moose for some more drinks and gossip. All in all a pretty awesome night!
- Hardcore making out in the girls bathroom is both super embarrassing and super hott! :P My man kept giving me these looks like "hey, lets go over there." But me being the innocent and naive person I am (:P) had no idea what was going on. After a few minutes of debating with myself I finally just followed him down towards the bathrooms. I was then pulled into a stall and the making out began! :D That wasn't so embarrassing, the walking up he stairs to rejoin our friends and having them all clap was. :S Maybe next time when I'm not on my monthly and he's not so into the drink we'll try it again. :)
- Walking home when it's like 1:30 in the morning is not fun :( But I have to say this because it's been bothering me for two days now. So, we're walking home making small and random chit chat to distract us from the cold. Granted, he's a little drunk, but still, it's no excuse. So here is the conversation went.
Him: Did you leave it at my house?
Me: No, I was going to bring one this morning but I decided not to because I didn't want it to flatten my hair. I had people to impress!
Him: People? Like Josh?
Me:.... No... people like my customers....
He continued talking about something or other, I wasn't really listening at that point. Let me clear something up here. Josh is my co - worker. He is my age, moderately good looking, a musician and singer in a band and is single. Best of all, according to my boyfriend, I must be attracted to him and want to impress him because of all these things. >_< There have been times I've been annoyed with my man, irritated at him, mad at him etc. but that was the one time in the entire 8 months we've been together that I wanted to slap him. I have no idea if that remark was born from his own insecurities or if he honestly thinks i'm trying to make advances on Josh, but i didn't like what he was implying AT ALL. Granted there have been times where I've come to him with a jealousy issue, told him how i didn't like him spending time with a woman I didn't know too well at that point, but mostly that was because I didn't know what HER intentions were. I never doubted what HIS intentions where, because I knew he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me. The moral of the story? Apparently the man I'm having marriage and babies thoughts about doesn't trust me around other men.
- I am getting really irritated with one of my other co - workers. He has it in his tiny little brain that I shouldn't be in a relationship right now and is trying to fill my head with doubts so I'll break up. For the most part he is a really good guy, but i have had to tell him to shut the hell up a good number of times. But damn it all he's put another doubt into my head! Here is how this conversation went.
Me: Oh yeah. It's like a second girlfriend. He has at least 3 or 4 a day!
Him: That must suck for you.
Me: Why would that suck for me?
Him: Well if he is always drinking how do you now what his personality is?
Me: What?
Him: Drinking must affect how he acts. If he is always under the influence then how do you know if it's him or the drink talking?
Me: He has a really good tolerance for it. 3 beer isn't going to affect him that much.
Him: If you say so, you know him better than I do.
But damn him now he's got me replaying instances and actions in my head against my will. Thinking back to events I really enjoyed to try and figure out if he really wanted to do it or it was just a result of the drink. A big part of me knows that what he said isn't true and it wasn't a result of being tipsy.....
- Apparently I hump / grind against people in my sleep? :| I did not know that. Diane? Holly? Kaylee? You've all been in bed with me, you must know this right? Have you ever woken up to my humping your leg? Grinding into your crotch? :S Hmmmm.......
- Messaged my friend who sent me the angry email over thanksgiving. Hadn't heard anything from her in over a week so I just sent a little "Do you want to respond to my email or would you rather we continue not speaking to each other?" If she doesn't respond to that then i guess i have my answer. Mostly i'm just tired of this high school drama. And i'm upset that because of her now i can't think of my thanksgiving weekend without remembering this. :( Le sigh.
- It's funny how you can go from not liking an experience one day to suddenly liking it the next. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, but I have been trying this new position thing in bed. At first I didn't really like it because it was so new and i didn't know how the sensations were supposed to feel. But, being the scientist i am :P I decided to keep trying it to see if i really didn't like it or I was just biased because it was different. There are still parts of it i don't like, but the experience has kind of grown on me :P Will have to see how this develops :)
- It's interesting to hear my man talk about his future. His goal is to get a job in the high school he attended. It's really great that he has a plan and is so determined to see it through, but whenever he talks about his plans they never include me. Sure, he'll make a joke about when he builds his dream house I can come and live in his basement or when he moves i can drive the car, but there is never anything beyond that. Yes, it is still ridiculously early to be making plans, anything could happen between now and then, but.... still... Maybe I'm expecting too much or getting too far ahead of myself. It's just, could I live in the house he wants to build? Could i find a job I actually want to do in the area he wants to live? What I want doesn't seem to actively factor into his future plans, and that makes me wonder. Even when I listen to him talk about what rooms he wants to put in it, he says he wants an all black and white kitchen. Black counter tops, checkered floor, things like that. Yeah, that sounds really cool... for a bachelor apartment, not a family oriented kitchen. I was raised that the kitchen is where you gather and enjoy each others company. It's warm, inviting, bright. And let's face it, geared more towards female tastes because they spend the most time in there cooking. :S I'll just tell myself I'm getting too far ahead of myself and not worry about little things like that.
Well that's it for me! :D CHEERS!
- Mood:
okay - Music:Dave Matthews Band : Last Stop
So, having fixed my costume, eaten 2 slices of pie and cleaned up my room to the best of my abilities, I decided to bum around on the internet. Going onto my fb page I started looking through my albums from last year around this time. Halloween, Plaid party, Gingerbread making. What made this trip down memory lane so funny was all the feelings that came rushing back and all the thoughts I remembered. Especially all the ones concerned with my man. A lot of the pictures were taken right around the time I really started to notice him and have not so "just friends" thoughts towards him.
"Will he be coming tonight? Do I look overdone? Should I approach him? Wait for him to come over to talk to me? Is he actually interested in me or just being friendly?" Oh my panicked and over done thoughts.
A lot of the feelings came back too. Anxious. Excited. Nervous (a lot of nervous). Hopeful. Horny. Scared. Self conscious. Desired.
Ah to be young and dating :P Not that I would want to start dating or anything. Far from it. But you do (or at least I do) miss those feelings every once in a while. The anticipation, the wondering, the excitement. I do get those feelings when I'm with him, but it's a different type I think. Like a feeling of excitement, but there is also a sense of security in it that you don't have prior maybe?
Hmmm.... Interesting.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:All in all - Lifehouse
So here's a bunch of short form events!
I went home for Thanksgiving a day early to surprise my mom for her birthday. Dad had planned this huge party for her at Kelsey's and it went fabulously. She even cried! :D Then saturday I went up to Huntsville for dinner with my aunt. That was pretty good. There were maybe 6 people I knew and the rest I had no idea. Mostly we all sat and talked and pigged out on veggies :) Sunday was the best day only because a) my friend Kaylee came to visit and b) we got to play silent hill! :D as lame as it is, it has always been a weird family event. We sit and talk and watch and play this game for hours on end, every once in a while shouting "go here!" "the key is over there" and "What the hell is THAT?" :D It was lots of fun.
I went home for Thanksgiving a day early to surprise my mom for her birthday. Dad had planned this huge party for her at Kelsey's and it went fabulously. She even cried! :D Then saturday I went up to Huntsville for dinner with my aunt. That was pretty good. There were maybe 6 people I knew and the rest I had no idea. Mostly we all sat and talked and pigged out on veggies :) Sunday was the best day only because a) my friend Kaylee came to visit and b) we got to play silent hill! :D as lame as it is, it has always been a weird family event. We sit and talk and watch and play this game for hours on end, every once in a while shouting "go here!" "the key is over there" and "What the hell is THAT?" :D It was lots of fun.
What wasn't fun was receiving an email from a friend of mine talking about how inconsiderate I was and how selfish and blah blah blah since I only invited kaylee over and not her. Made me feel like shit. Telling myself that I didn’t owe her anything and that attacking me this way wasn’t fair of her I replied to her angry email as best I could and moved on.
Monday I came back up to the bay. Was picked up by the boy (who, as sad as this sounds, I missed a lot over the weekend) and we went back to his place. He then gave me my belated birthday gift….. my own guitar! :D It’s really awesome! He got a blank guitar, had a friend of his custom paint it and then put all the strings on it and everything himself. I have never really received a hand made gift before, and I felt bad because I was so surprised I couldn’t think of anything to say, but it was still awesome. It’s all purple and has a sun and some moons on it with Fearies flying around. I was told it is pretty much me, only in a guitar. :D
Tues and wed I worked and spent the night at Stefan’s. We watched Battlestar Galactica. Lordy is that a good show! :P Started watching it less than a week ago and have already finished the first season. Can’t wait to start watching the next one!
Tues night I received a text saying how the friend who emailed me over thanksgiving was only made at me, not mad at anyone else. That, once again, pissed me off to no end and made me feel like crap. You want to be mad at me? Fine, maybe I deserve it. You want to send me angry emails about how crappy your life is and how you want to take it all out on me? Fine, I’m used to it, I can take it. But do NOT go around talking about how mad you are at me and not anyone else because it’s more convenient for you. Do NOT go to my friends, explain how much you still like them and then cry and moan about how much I suck. Not only is that a bitch move, it’s cruel, forcing the friend in some way to pick a side when they shouldn’t have to. Grow some balls and talk to ME about it. And you wonder why I don’t respect you.
Started my period the other day, which only adds to these feelings. Had another one of those random freak outs in the middle of Stefan’s kitchen and cried for almost half an hour. It’s beyond pitiful when you are feeling sad and lonely that the only arms to hold you are your own. Or that when you ask to be held to help you feel right again you only receive a forced one armed hug. It isn’t fair.
You know what else isn’t fair? Being really horny and having no outlet. It sucks. Yes, I am on my monthly. Yes, the thought of doing it kind of grosses me out too. But come on! Going home to BOB just to get some action? No thank you. :( Le sigh.
Well, now it’s time to eat pumpkin pie and maybe do some laundry! :D Cheers!
- Mood:
hungry
I was having such a great weekend. Filled with family and relaxing and eating pie and just generally enjoying everyone's company, and it had to be ruined by one selfish and cruel act.
Thanks for making me feel like a shitty friend. Thanks for taking my great weekend and sucking all the fun out of it. Thanks for putting feelings like guilt and neglect and bitterness into my family time.
I hope you're happy.
- Mood: disappointed
Was just randomly checking my facebook and noticed my man changed his profile picture to one of the filming shots I took this weekend with a friend of ours two children. My heart seriously did one of those little flips you hear about in books. That is how you know you are in way over your head :P
Even while we were filming the shot, he was so patient and cute with them and I could not stop myself from smiling the entire time. Made me giddy just watching them.
Oh me oh my. Hook, line and sinker.
- Mood:
*sigh*
Before I get to that, let me just say how much I am starting to hate living above this one couple. They seemed like relatively nice people at first, maybe just a little rough around the edges, but man oh man do they fight. Like, screaming matches, running in and out of the house slamming doors type fights. So much so that a few times I contemplated calling the police because I didn’t know if the woman was yelling in anger or crying out in pain. It sucks huge to come home all happy and junk to listen to screaming and crying below you. :( Hopefully it wont last for much longer. I can’t wait for the day when I’ll be living in my own house, away from people and stomping feet and screaming and snoopy eyes. One day. :(
Anywho, the weekend was good! :D Friday I went shopping and bought my halloween costume! :D Guess what I’m going as??? TINKERBELL! :O :D I am SO excited about it! I have a little green dress and a wand and some wings! I owe my man huge for going through with it! It’s one thing for a girl to go as Tink, it’s another for a guy to go as Peter Pan :D Oh the tights. They is awesome! Then Saturday I worked to 2 and after a few of us started working on Stefan’s “Schopenhauer vs. Hegel” movie. It was pretty fun. I realised much to my dismay that I am not good with hairspray or makeup :( I hardly EVER use hairspray and I only use a bit of makeup most days. So to sit there and have to put it on other people makes you go :S! Luckily another girl was there who knew what she was doing, so I was free to move stuff around and help out that way. How funny is that eh? I’m more comfortable grabbing boxes and lifting lights than I am putting hairspray in someone’s hair :P In the end, the movie went along beautifully and I’m glad there is no more lifting or runnning around to do :) It was fun, but it was also CRAZY exhausting.
3 days until I go home for Thanksgiving! :D I’m glad I had so much to do this weekend, because the days would have gone by SO slowly if I hadn’t. mom has no idea about the surprise, which makes me super giddy, and I’m just happy that I’ll be able to spend time with my family and Kaylee and everyone! One day when I have a car I’ll go home more often. None of this wait for a holiday to go crap. I miss them all a lot (even when they irritated the hell outta me) and wish I could see them more than for 2 – 3 days every other month.
Side note: I understand people are just joking and they don’t mean it to be hurtful and junk, but it still hurts every once in a while when people make cracks about my degree and how I work in a gaming store. Most days I can just brush it off, but it still can sting. Yes, Geography isn’t something practical like English or Nursing or Computers. Yes, when I’m sitting in a conversation it’s hard for me to show my knowledge and expertese, which makes me look rather unintelligent. OH! That reminds me. I was at a party a while back sitting around a camp fire and someone said something along the lines of “my back is always so cold but my front is so warm.” The obvious conclusion to this is because the fire is hot, but all I could think of is “It also has something to do with the Kinetic Engery conversion of the convection cell creating high and low pressure systems.” I started to say it, but I didn’t want to sound snotty or pompous. It sucks that I worked so hard to get this degree in a subject I really enjoy and I have nothing to show for it but a crappy job in something not even close to what I want to do. And no way to share my knowledge to prove I’m not just an empty space, I actually DID pay attention and know what I’m talking about. *sigh* what to do what to do?
Side note #2: Accidently realising you’re wearing your boyfirends pants is extremely hilarious! :D They fit better than my own pants did! Quickly got of the shower, had five minutes before we were leaving, grabbed the first pair I saw in my little designated corner and ran out the door. Didn’t realise something was off until I sat down and the crotch bunched up awkwardly. Made my day.
Well, I think that’s it for me :D
- Mood: happy
- Music:Shot down in flames - Silent Hill 5
So, I'm having a lazy Wed afternoon. Watching tv shows online, going to have a hot bubble bath later, makes some pasta or something for dinner and maybe watch s movie or something before bed. All in all a very lazy day. I figure tomorrow will be a laundry / cleaning / dishes day so I am taking advantage of the "doing nothing" part right now. Nothing makes it feel more like fall / winter than curling up in a fuzzy blanket and watching some tv :)
Tomorrow is my 8 month anniversary. :O! Who woulda thunk it eh? :D We've started talking (though I am not 100% sure if it was serious talk or just pillow talk) about moving in together once we can afford it. I'm excited to see if that pans out. He is also talking about going for his masters in English the year after next. That both excites and scares me. I am pretty attached at this point. So much so that we were shopping the other day, passed baby clothes and yelled "let's have a baby!" And surprised myself when I realised I was only half kidding. Not that I would want one any time soon. No thank you! But to think things like that must mean something. So, let’s say he goes for his masters (which Ps, would be awesome for him. He has the drive and the brainpower to do it) what then? This might sound selfish and rude, but what about me? I would like to think he would want me to come with him, but what would I do? Just follow him and his career? Get a job wherever he goes? Go back to school? What if I can't find a job and don't want to go to school. Do I just stay in North Bay? I've already admitted to myself that he is the only good thing in my North Bay life right now, if he goes than what's the point in being here? Would our relationship be able to survive if he went and I stayed? Obviously it's too soon for thoughts such as this, he doesn't really know what he wants to do, but I don't have much else to do but think :P The problem is however, I would hate it if he stayed because of me. HATE it. I would never want to be a hindrance to anyone, especially not to someone I care about so much. *sigh* we will cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.
Why is everyone always so negative? Am I the only one who tried to find the upside in things? Misery loves company they say, and granted that some people deal with their sadness or anger by vocalising it, but man oh man, everywhere I go it seems that people are just sad! :( Makes me sad in return. Why can't people just accept things? I will outright admit I complain and cry on lj more than anyone, but at least it's about things I can change. People who are upset about things they can't change, like another person's feelings, or the weather, or whatever, are just irritating. Working in customer service and dealing with people has made me realise that.
Another thing I realised is how I deal with a sad or stressful situation. Like recently I have been having some money issues (naturally) and had to go to my parents again to ask for a bit of money. I have never liked doing this and will try almost everything in my power to avoid it if I can. Well, this particular night I was tired, hungry and had just emailed my parents about my issues. The boy was asleep in his room so I decided to sneak up into his upstairs bathroom and deal with it the only way I know how. Crying alone in a locked room. It might not be the most effective way of dealing with your problems, but it is the easiest. I have friends who were willing to listen and offer their support, but I have always dealt with a personal issue on my own. There were quite a few times I debated going downstairs and waking him up, but I would have felt like a fool crying over it in front of him. So instead, I had my 20-minute cry fest. pity party, calmed myself down, thought over my options and then moved on. I told him later that night about what was going on and how sad I was about it. He rubbed my hand and made some cute jokes, which made me feel so much better. My goal for the next few months is to get out of the pity party way of dealing with problems and maybe try to let others help me. We’ll see how it goes.
Still going home for Thanksgiving! :D YEAH! Leaving either the Thurs of the Friday (depending on rides and junk) and coming home the Monday :D I am so excited to go home and hang with my family and relax! It’s been way too long since I’ve been home. :( Only one more week! :D
Well, that's it for me for now! :D
- Mood: calm
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woodland_fae- Kortni
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